the house that built me

i found this in my drafts just a bit ago. i thought that perhaps it was worth sharing although it was written probably two months ago.

my hands smell like gasoline.
i'm in a bloggy mood today.

i dunno if i was a weird child or if everyone did this but i used to think about what i would grab if my house caught on fire. it varied as i got older but a few things always stayed the same. they seem silly now.

on august 3, 2010, my house burnt down. now it's so easy to look back and see what i should have grabbed or done.

what i grabbed:
-yelple (baby blanket)
-a framed picture of the boys at the LCC
-my bible
-my kenya journal
-my dog

what i wish i would have grabbed (in addition to the list above):
-the portrait of my grandmama and grandaddy that hung above the mantle
-the guns
-photo albums
-the old jewelry box
-the fire-safe deposit box (that melted)
-any pieces of small furniture from my family's history.
-my two glass swans from Nana.
-my grandmama's flatware
-family china

the list goes on. my main question is if i could have grabbed a water hose and put the small fire out myself before it spread. oh well, too late.

what i would grab out of our new apartment:
-yelple
-the tiki man
-my records
-the gold owl figurine
-the box of paperwork that holds all of our documents
-the two-horse figurine from my grandparents
-mom's artwork
-my shoebox of memories

what i would grab out of our camp house:
-the picture Mr. Wilburn drew for me as a little girl
-grandaddy's army trunks
-the cigarette stands
-the wooden church
-the sewing machine table
-the guns (a must now)

it's funny now to think about how much of the things that burned i have never and will never even think about. i think it proves how much excess we had when it comes to stuff, junk. mom and i will be wandering down aisles at a store and suddenly remember the smallest thing that was tucked away in a closet. just yesterday i told someone that i felt it was a blessing our house burnt down. it humbled my family. i am a better person. we are a better family.

it's something to think about. i will say that it does not seem like a tragedy when you're on the outside looking in but for five minutes imagine everything you own being lost forever. every picture, every fragment of family members you've never met, every gift you've ever been given, every favorite toy, favorite pillow, favorite book, favorite four leaf clover you picked with your dad being nothing more than a pile of ashes. it's quite a humbling place to be and one that makes you value your relationships much more than your toys.

bricks

dear bloggerTM or whatever you are:
i disapprove of the new, "classy" setup.

today i had lunch with my mom. it was really great.

can i just say for the record that for as much as i dislike Columbus, i will say that i am lucky to have the most incredible group of friends here that i could possibly ask for? i know some incredible people in this rinkydink town.

i've been looking at apartments and being a big girl.
i almost have my payment for my new car, which reminds me that i need to go to the bank.

but this is all so beside the point.
i've really been listening to the wall lately.
in fact, that's really all that i've done today aside from a couple silly classes and lunch with my mom and her fantastic coworkers.

so now i'm back in my bed with my red Elizabethtown hat on wrapped up in my afghan with the faintest hint of smoke drifting from my incense in the far corner. the breeze is blowing my curtains while Pink sings about his pains of the world. take a moment just to picture it all. this is what i need my life to be like.

i feel as if sometimes i care too much about the wrong things.
sometimes i feel as if people think i should care too much about the "wrong" things.
i say "wrong" because perhaps they are the right things.
i've been such a better person since i switched majors to general studies.
i can honestly say that i have no idea what i want to do with my life and be completely okay with it.

i've talked to so many people who have graduated or are graduating in may who are just working for rent. i want to do that. i think that's why i'm most excited about this summer.

i want to be able to walk into an apartment and instantly feel the weight of the world being thrown off my shoulders. i want to be able to be completely me: messy, artistic, creative, bohemian. i want to make supper at 3am or come home after a long night of work and dance around in nothing. i want to eat good pasta or make the most incredible cupcakes i will ever sink my teeth into.

i want to decorate.

i want to paint things: walls, canvases, nails, furniture.

i want a room full of floor pillows and blankets.

i want my dog here with me more than anything in this world. i've never had a love like i do for this puppy.

comfortably numb is playing from side three (my personal favorite) of the wall and everything is alright with the world.

i love that my friends from high school are all moving back to columbus.
i hate that my friends from college are leaving columbus. they've made such an impact on me that it leaves me speechless and teary eyed just to think about it.

i know this has been rant-ish but it is what has been on my mind for the past month and a half.

i love you guys. go do good.